Written by Monica Borschel PhD and Family Law Attorney Akilah Harris, Esq.
Children resist their parents for many reasons. Sometimes they might feel like they need to protect the other parent, they are overly stressed, they are in a rebellious stage, they feel abandoned, or they have feelings of shame. Sometimes when the parents cannot effectively co-parent, one parent will actively work to turn the child against the other parent.
When a child has been separated from one parent for too long, they can also resist. The child might feel like they don’t know what to say or how to act. The child might feel guilty or ashamed for not maintaining contact. They might also feel like they need to protect the other parent’s feelings.
How Reunification Coaching Can Help
Reunification coaching is a form of coaching that finds strategies and solutions to current family conflicts due to separation or resist dynamics. Reunification coaching is a form of family coaching that helps the child find their voice, and the parents to learn how to put the child’s best interest first. Unless there is abuse, it is always in the child’s best interest to have a secure relationship with both parents. A reunification coach can also help the family by speaking to social workers, therapists, and those working in family law. Having a team can be useful when the family is struggling with divorce or conflict.
Some Questions to Ask Yourself If Your Child is Resisting You or the Other Parent…
- What are my reactions like regarding the other parent? Sometimes when people are going through a separation or a divorce, they have fear or anger toward the other parent. Children are attuned to their parents and often feel what their parent is feeling. If you are angry or afraid of the other parent, your child might also be. Do your best not to show negative reactions towards your ex partnerex-partner in front of your children.
- What kinds of stress is your child going through? If your child has had to adapt to a new lifestyle because of the separation, they might be stressed. Did your child have to move homes or schools? If so, they might miss their old friends, teachers and classmates. Allow them some time to adapt and to speak about their feelings. It is possible that they are going through more changes than they are ready for?.
- Does your child have a routine and a schedule? Your child needs predictability in order to feel safe. Your child needs to know what the rules and consequences will be in both homes. They also need to know when they will see the other parent. Too much unpredictability leads to chaos which can lead your family to be in a state of chronic stress.
- Is one parent trying to turn the child against the other parent? Saying negative things about the other parent to your child will have dire consequences. When your child hears negative things about the other parent, they will internalize that against themselves. Remember your child is half you and half the other parent. If there is something you don’t like about the other parent, the child will think that you don’t like that about them as well.
- Does your child have choices? If your child feels like they are overly controlled, they will rebel. Your child needs to understand why decisions have been made. They also need to have some choice in their life. This being said, the child can not refuse access with the other parent. If they refuse access, it is important to find out why. If your child is safe in both homes, help them to feel that safety.
- Does your child feel abandoned? This can be a difficult thing to address. Often children are unaware that they feel abandoned. Instead they might feel worthless or unloveable. It is common for children to feel abandoned in divorce or paternity casesituations, especially if another family is involved.
Contact (954-451-0050) Akilah Harris, PLLC for a Consultation!
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